Recovery from bc is an interesting business. There are lots of twists and turns. So this week I have tried to make lots of things happen and eventually realised, that it was not quite the time for those things to happen (as nothing happened).
Finishing bc treatment is great, don’t get me wrong. And being told I’m cancer free is also fab. I am very grateful and realise that I am better off than many. But I didn’t realise that I had become so immersed in the non-normal world (the cancer world) and that venturing out in the normal world would feel so frankly un-normal. It takes time to transition from the ill world to the healthy people world.
I have realised that ‘being normal’ doesn’t happen just because I click my fingers and say it is so. There are a few things to work through and it is another …journey.
The big picture is that I am here. I have survived bc and I am alive and stayed sane through all of that. It is a huge achievement.
My purpose for the last nearly 18 months was to survive bc and I put most of my energy in to that. And suddenly, it is time for a new life purpose. I’m not quite sure what it is. I have a few ideas but nothing concrete and to be honest, I hadn’t thought about it very much until now.
The other thing is that I have a clean slate. The world is my oyster. I could do anything now – get a new job, study, travel, new hobbies, move cities or countries. It is exciting to think of creating a new life.
But it is also a bit overwhelming and I don’t have too much intuition about where and what I want to do. Some of it may be fear (what if I make the wrong decision?) and some it is just confusion (there are so many options so I need to make lots of decisions). And I just don’t seem to have too much energy for new things right now. Which country, which city, which job, how many hours etc etc. Each decision requires quite a lot of thought.
I have realised through talking to someone who knows about these kinds of health transitions that ….there is no perfect decision. And perhaps it is time to try little bits of things and little bits of that – in order to decide what I want to do.
So for now, my new purpose is working out what I want to do and how I want to live in my new post bc life. It is quite an exciting purpose. There actually are lots of possibilities, options and things that I want to do.
This weekend, I had a migraine very similar to all the migraines I had in the last year. It was interesting as it took me back to how ill I felt only a couple of months ago. So I had another realisation that there is no rush to get into the new life. I am still healing and recovering and it is a process. It wouldn’t be right for me to jump right into a full time job right now. A part time job will be great in the New Year… So in the meantime, I have a couple of months to think about what I want do in my life. I will re-read Phil Kerslake’s book as he has an excellent chapter on doing a life audit and working out what.
In the meantime, the goal is to relax and enjoy life here and now, to do a bit more exercise, eat well, hang out with friends and family and take advantage of some spare time.